Author Topic: Engaging the senses  (Read 4079 times)

j tanner

Engaging the senses
« on: November 06, 2019, 03:11:32 AM »
I'm curious if anyone has any tips on sentence structures that work for engaging the non-sight senses. This goes equally for touch/taste/smell but hearing is where I most typically settle for a subpar sentence so we can use that as an example case.

So I like to write in deep 3rd POV and I like to engage all the senses if possible within a scene. I find the effect I prefer is best achieved by limiting filtering, so "He saw a taxi drive by." is a no-no and is replaced with "A taxi drove by." Whatever happens, happens, and is not filtered through an explicitly stated sense of the character. All clear?

Pretty easy with visuals.

Sometimes it's easy if the character knows the cause of the sound and a strong verb exists to describe that sound: "A bell rang."

Even there, the subject has morphed over to the visual of the bell rather than the sound itself and maybe that's not where you want the emphasis. But shifting to "The ringing came from a bell"? No thanks...

But the real trouble starts when the character hears something out of context, maybe a squishing sound.

"He heard a squishing sound."

Yuck. Filtering. But where to go to from there?

"A squish occurred."

Eff no. The subject of the sentence, the sound itself, is where I want it, but "occurred"? Terrible. Other options like "echoed" and "resounded" stink too, or work once but aren't something I'd want to use more than once in a book.

I'm overly fond of fragments for effect already so I might use something like this in a tense moment, but I'm looking for some variety so I don't default back to it so much as a crutch:

"A squish. Nearby, but Jane couldn't pinpoint the source."

Thinking back on the WIP here are a few sound effects that gave me pause when trying to integrate into a sentence:

squish, buzz, crackle, squeak, hum, clack

So, anyone else writing in this style and have thoughts?
 

Post-Crisis D

Re: Engaging the senses
« Reply #1 on: November 06, 2019, 03:30:07 AM »
"A sound, like that of a bell, rang out."  <--- I think that helps keep the focus on the sound.  It sounds like a bell.  Maybe it is a bell.  Maybe it's not.  All you know is that it sounds like a bell.

"A squishing sound broke the silence."  <--- Not perfect but perhaps better than occurred, echoed or resounded.
Mulder: "If you're distracted by fear of those around you, it keeps you from seeing the actions of those above."
The X-Files: "Blood"
 

j tanner

Re: Engaging the senses
« Reply #2 on: November 06, 2019, 04:10:34 AM »
Not bad, but both options illustrate how tough it is to write prose about sounds without using throwing in the word "sound" (or heard).
 

Vijaya

Re: Engaging the senses
« Reply #3 on: November 06, 2019, 04:23:06 AM »
Ah, good writing evokes the actual sound in the reader's head, no? When I was reading An Equal Music by Vikram Seth, I could actually hear the music in my head even though I'd not heard recordings of many pieces he references. I also struggle to evoke sounds. I've resorted to sound effects because kids love them. Ex. Crash! Or the use similes? Ex. My mother's laugh reminds me of a tinkling silver bell. Metaphors might be stronger. Ex. The wind rushed.

A good way to train oneself to use sensory language is to sit down and write all that you experience. I also find it's a terrific way of getting out of a block because of how concrete the writing is.


Author of over 100 books and magazine pieces, primarily for children
Vijaya Bodach | Personal Blog | Bodach Books
 

j tanner

Re: Engaging the senses
« Reply #4 on: November 06, 2019, 08:11:14 AM »
In very simple terms you put yourself inside the character and give the reader clues or indications of what he/she is “sensing” through any of the five senses. You want to convey sense impressions the character is feeling or their opinion of something.

Yes, exactly this and thanks for sharing. But I think you're missing my point in your example below. What you've got is basically my first draft that I'm not satisfied with. You're engaging in lots of filtering while I'm trying to get to a deeper level of immersion. (And filtering isn't a literary sin or anything--it's a preference. And this isn't criticism of your writing--it's clear you dashed off some example prose.) Here, let me highlight all the filtering in red to show where I'd want to rewrite for deeper immersion:



Quote
Tanner stepped into a cavernous room (a narrow hallway that made him feel like he was in a casket). The scent of lemon(s) teased his nose. Or...The rich smell of lemon reminded him of growing up (on the farm) (around the lemon orchards).

There was a gentle tap on Tanner’s shoulder and he turned. A scent of rosemary drifted from the thin young woman smiling at him. She was the spitting image of his dead sister and he felt frozen in time for a moment.

Tanner climbed the tilted stairway. Hand over hand on the railing, he pulled himself toward the closed door at the top. The rough, charred wood under his fingers reminded him of the fire last night. What would he find up there?

Tanner heard a squishing sound. It reminded him of digging into tapioca pudding. But he doubted you would be finding tapioca pudding in a haunted house.

And the green bit shows where deep immersion occurs once I edited out a bit. "Reminded" is a bit weasely as well, but serves a purpose for clarity so I didn't label it as filtering.

Does that make sense?
« Last Edit: November 06, 2019, 08:14:21 AM by j tanner »
 

j tanner

Re: Engaging the senses
« Reply #5 on: November 06, 2019, 08:21:25 AM »
Ah, good writing evokes the actual sound in the reader's head, no? When I was reading An Equal Music by Vikram Seth, I could actually hear the music in my head even though I'd not heard recordings of many pieces he references. I also struggle to evoke sounds. I've resorted to sound effects because kids love them. Ex. Crash! Or the use similes? Ex. My mother's laugh reminds me of a tinkling silver bell. Metaphors might be stronger. Ex. The wind rushed.

A good way to train oneself to use sensory language is to sit down and write all that you experience. I also find it's a terrific way of getting out of a block because of how concrete the writing is.

Yes, I think you understand what I'm getting at. Sound effects serve this function quite well in comics. I don't think they read so well in prose, but I'm trying to capture that same immediacy.

And I agree with the value of your writing exercise. I've usually got that list organically in my head for the scene. The trick is converting the list of sensory detail into entertaining prose in the desired style.
 

RiverRun

Re: Engaging the senses
« Reply #6 on: November 06, 2019, 08:35:08 PM »
When I re-read a scene that was suspenseful and engrossing when I was in the middle of a book, I am sometimes surprised at how simple it is when I read it with my analytical hat on. When I'm into the story, my mind weeds out things like, "he thought'. I truly don't notice them unless I go looking for them, if it's only used when it's necessary. And "There was an enormous crash' really does sound like a crash in my head, because it means something significant to the characters and keeps me turning pages. The imagination translates these things pretty well, unless they are obtrusive or overdone. So you might be trying too hard:)

But it sounds like its a stylistic thing that you're aiming for. With a crisp, modern writing style, you might do something like:

A squish in the darkness. Jane stopped to listen again.

Not that different from your last example - which wasn't bad - but maybe if you immediately combine with action to show your character's reaction, it would give you the immediacy you're looking for.

An unexpected squeak made him pause.

The machine squeaked yet again. He resisted the urge to slam it with his fist.

I like combining descriptions in groups of two or three. I feel like it orients the reader to the fact that you are describing something and eliminates the need for extra indicators. Just my opinion though.

The room was tidy and artificial, lemon-scented and floral-printed.

Or, Tanner stepped into the cavernous room. The scent of lemons. A silence that hung like a curtain. He went in.

Or you could go with metaphor or simile.

A sound like the drop of a wet sponge, ominously loud in this silence.

There was a buzz in the backroom, like a fly caught in a bottle. No, more like a machine...

OR, you could make your noises into verbs. I love doing this, but it probably depends on your style whether or not you can get away with much of it.

The room hummed and crackled with voices.

The phone buzzed at him.

Jane was surrounded by emptiness. Without warning, the emptiness squished. She tried to resist looking over her shoulder.

Just my two cents.
« Last Edit: November 06, 2019, 08:37:37 PM by RiverRun »
 

j tanner

Re: Engaging the senses
« Reply #7 on: November 07, 2019, 02:51:36 AM »
Just my two cents.

It's worth well over ten cents. :goodpost:

I'll be using some of your ideas. Thanks.
 
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Lynn

Re: Engaging the senses
« Reply #8 on: November 07, 2019, 04:28:08 AM »
Also, filters are a tool. Sometimes you want or need the distance they create. Sometimes you don't. It's far better to use those tools judiciously than to decide you're just never going to use them at all. You've cut off your nose to spite your face. :D

The wet squish came again from the cavernous maw at the end of the dark corridor. Tanner twisted toward the sound, hearing the drip drip drip of water behind him but unable to take his gaze off the things he couldn't see in the distance. Nothing moved, except the damp air across his skin, but that squish became a sucking slurp and his heart began to beat faster than the thud thud thud of something unseen rushing down the corridor toward him.

Yeah, I don't know what the point of that was, but I liked writing it. :D
Don't rush me.
 
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j tanner

Re: Engaging the senses
« Reply #9 on: November 07, 2019, 09:42:27 AM »
Also, filters are a tool. Sometimes you want or need the distance they create. Sometimes you don't. It's far better to use those tools judiciously than to decide you're just never going to use them at all. You've cut off your nose to spite your face. :D

Agreed. Only Sith deal in absolutes. (Callback to other thread!) Sure I might not need that 7/32" ratchet all that often, but knowing exists out there makes me want to have it it my toolbox for when the opportunity arises.

Throwing on my copyeditor hat would result in this with your draft...

The wet squish repeated from within the cavernous maw at the end of the corridor. Tanner twisted toward the sound, the drip drip drip of water behind him now, his gaze locked in on the darkness. Nothing moved, except the damp air across his skin. That squish morphed into a sucking slurp and his heart raced faster than the thud thud thud of something unseen rushing down the corridor toward him.

Not necessarily better or worse, but more in line with my sensibilities.

Quote
Yeah, I don't know what the point of that was, but I liked writing it. :D

That was fun. (And I appear to be in rather deep trouble...)
 

Lynn

Re: Engaging the senses
« Reply #10 on: November 07, 2019, 09:54:03 AM »


That was fun. (And I appear to be in rather deep trouble...)

Very much so. :D Something's going to get you if you don't start running now…
Don't rush me.
 

JRTomlin

Re: Engaging the senses
« Reply #11 on: November 07, 2019, 11:33:37 AM »
I go with constructs such as:

Tanner stepped into a cavernous room that was like being inside a casket.

A squish caused Tanner to spin to find where it came from. (did not love the tapioca comparison, maybe because I've never heard tapioca make a sound 😜)

When he grasped the rough, charred wood, it reminded him of the fire last night. What would he find up there?

The air around the young woman reeked of rosemary cologne. Tanner sneezed.

Just my particular style, not that others are wrong.

I try to put in a lot of sensual touches but I do save them for when I feel that my MC would notice them.


 
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JRTomlin

Re: Engaging the senses
« Reply #12 on: November 08, 2019, 12:07:17 AM »
Probably the same end it came from in your original comment. I am so glad you appreciate my feedback.
 

j tanner

Re: Engaging the senses
« Reply #13 on: November 08, 2019, 02:30:50 AM »
The air around the young woman reeked of rosemary cologne. Tanner sneezed.

"reeked of" is so much better than "smell of" or "scent of" because it tells you something about either the smell itself, or the POV character's opinion (as in your example) which really counteracts its "filtery" usage.

I did a quick search of the WIP and prior novel and sure enough it's there once and twice respectively. Probably right around the limit for an uncommon word.
 

PJ Post

Re: Engaging the senses
« Reply #14 on: November 08, 2019, 10:24:16 AM »
Super long response; not strictly for the OP, but for the broader subject of sensory exposition in general.

Lots of good ideas here, but we have to be careful of strong one to one adjectives, similes and metaphors that can make everything sound like a noir detective thriller, especially as a repetitive style. For me, a taxi doesn't drive by, it splashes water from a puddle; a bell doesn't ring, it echoes down the narrow street. So, thing + action + emotion whenever possible.

I try to immerse the reader within the current emotional experience of the scene, or narrative as a whole, depending on the situation. In the cavernous room example above, why is the size of the room important? Why should the reader care? Are we inferring something about the owner, such as wealth, or are we drawing attention to the character experience? Do they feel small by comparison, lonely, afraid, or do they admire the construction, are they envious? The size, smells, sound/echoes, even the feel of the wood or uneven stone floor beneath their feet should reinforce where they are in their character arc, the same goes for establishing the experience as a metaphor.

How characters react to similar experiences throughout the story can be a good indication of where they are relative to their overall arcs. For example, how they perceive an experience in the beginning of the story may be completely different from the end, such as dressing a deer for the first time as opposed to once they've become a seasoned hunter. And then you can take that down another layer and use the deer as a metaphor for other arc experiences. In a thriller, the metaphor might reflect killing a person.

This also extends to how they perceive the world. In the beginning of a post-apoc story, a character may notice the buildings and streets of the city, survivors and how frightened everyone is, whereas by the end, he may only see concealment, enemies and targets - threats. Perspective, and the changing of that perspective relative to sensory exposition, is a tremendous filter for communicating character arcs, mood and even tension.

Descriptions, including the use of the senses, should always reinforce character or mood or tension or whatever the story needs. But, if we take it one step further and reference the emotion behind the senses, as opposed to a standalone call-out, we can hit the reader deeper, because it allows them to fill in the blanks with their own experience, which engenders more engaging empathy. This strategy allows us to fill in the scene over time, reinforcing mood, rather than relying on an info-dump or single line reference, which then allows us to weave the other senses in as we go. For example, when we enter a space, we don't take it all in at once, we discover it slowly as we experience it. In a horror scenario, we may get a sense of dread as we enter, and then that mood is reinforced as we move through the scene, the apples don’t smell of cinnamon, but rot; the once-polished floors now blackened and molding between the boards.

On the flip side, in a chase or confrontation scene, or one of extreme immediacy, I'd dispense with all of that and just be super blunt. For example, by using more immersive descriptions leading up to a serious action beat, then the sudden absence of adjectives and starkness of the prose will make the action more emotive because it will stand out and grab the reader’s attention. This is an example of rhythm, where the action beat is the punch line. In this case, the action is hearing or seeing or smelling or feeling (experiencing) the 'thing'.

We can apply the same reasoning to the stepping/squishing example above. What are we trying to convey? Which sense are we trying to stimulate? For a lighter beat, we might go with the audible sound, because squishing is usually funny. But for a more serious beat (using horror again) we might just have the character feel the thing give beneath the weight of their foot, if barefooted, then perhaps they feel the gush of warm liquid...like stepping on a disembodied organ.

If the 'sound' (event) is heard rather than felt, then I think it should be set up through the pacing of the scene as noted above. If we’re going for tension, then maybe lead up to the sound by describing the tomblike silence, hearing/feeling their own heartbeat…the sound of their breathing…they swear they can hear it echoing in the space…every footfall sounding like a performance of Stomp. Noting these observations in a succession of ever decreasing sentence lengths will naturally build tension. And then, end the sequence with a one word fragment that reflects the sound’s real-life origins: snap (stick or branch)...crunch (broken glass underfoot or gravel)...snick (a sidearm hammer being pulled back).

Another option is to just say whatever it is plainly: He stopped. Someone just c*cked a pistol.

Another option is the callback metaphor. Let's say the character suffered a trauma at a vacation house as a kid, and the strongest memory is the crunchy sound of hard-sole shoes on sandy floors. When he hears it, he thinks of the location of the beach house where the trauma occurred - Plum Cove. Once that is set up (way back in the story), now, when the character hears that sound, the prose defaults to the shorthand fragment: Plum Cove; and the reader, instantly, not only knows the actual sound, but also that it indicates something bad - something dangerous, and finally, that that bad thing is close. When appropriate, this setup can draw the reader in much deeper than simply noting a sound - the old show vs tell thing.

We can also bypass the actual sound beat, and put the emphasis on the character's reaction, like Starling does in Gumm's basement.

How one handles these situations totally depends upon the desired emotional result of each instance, and then, of course, the overall style of the prose. So, the good news is there's no right way to do it, sadly, the bad news is that there's no right way to do it.
« Last Edit: November 08, 2019, 10:45:55 AM by PJ Post »
 
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JRTomlin

Re: Engaging the senses
« Reply #15 on: November 08, 2019, 11:13:19 AM »
I actually do not agree that 'Descriptions, including the use of the senses, should always reinforce character or mood or tension'. When I am writing to draw the reader into the place where my character is I do not want to overwhelm them with emotional descriptions of every object I mention. The scent of the meal at the banquet does not have to have some deep significance, but it does ground the reader in a particular time and place and give the scene an additional dimension. Sometimes that is what I want it to do.

« Last Edit: November 08, 2019, 11:18:44 AM by JRTomlin »
 

j tanner

Re: Engaging the senses
« Reply #16 on: November 08, 2019, 12:31:06 PM »
I actually do not agree that 'Descriptions, including the use of the senses, should always reinforce character or mood or tension'. When I am writing to draw the reader into the place where my character is I do not want to overwhelm them with emotional descriptions of every object I mention. The scent of the meal at the banquet does not have to have some deep significance, but it does ground the reader in a particular time and place and give the scene an additional dimension. Sometimes that is what I want it to do.

I agree with this. Not always, or even often, but definitely sometimes.

So I have no problem with expanding to the conversation to cover these options (*) that I didn't anticipate in my OP. Like I mentioned in another response, the more tools available the better, and these are handy and worthy of discussion.

(* And not implying that anyone else does.)
 

JRTomlin

Re: Engaging the senses
« Reply #17 on: November 08, 2019, 01:13:48 PM »
I should have said that I disagree for my own writing or as a universal rule. Much depends on our own style and what suits mine is probably totally wrong for someone else's -- or vice versa.
 

PJ Post

Re: Engaging the senses
« Reply #18 on: November 11, 2019, 03:49:37 AM »
Every choice humans make reflects who we are, everything from what we wear to how we talk to how we perceive the world around us, which means the things we notice and the things we ignore, and furthermore - how we notice and assign importance to them.

Our characters should be the same.

Which means that sensory lines don’t exist in a vacuum.

My point is that reducing any experience to a single word can be extremely limiting, and, as a result, greatly reduce how entertaining the story ends up being. Framing descriptions and experiences is a very useful tool, one that should be in every writer’s tool box.

By ignoring tools like framing, it’s very easy to end up with ‘And Then’ books, where the whole thing is just a laundry list series of things happening, void of any connection, emotion or engagement. By the way, excitement and fun are emotions too.

So, it’s not about deep experiences, it’s about increasing engagement. And leveraging the reader’s own experiences and emotions significantly improves that engagement, and, again, as a result - makes the book more enjoyable to read - which, on a business level, makes readers more likely to become fans and buy your other books.

Obviously, style, and especially tense and pov play a role. This approach is more difficult to apply with third omniscient (especially for those more preoccupied with prose than story) than it is with first present, but that shouldn’t matter. It’s always been my understanding that good writing is kind of hard to do.

The opening to The Handmaid's Tale is a wonderful, thoughtful and nuanced example of what I'm talking about.

eta: we can also think of these various framing devices as filters.
« Last Edit: November 11, 2019, 03:58:20 AM by PJ Post »
 

Laughing Elephant

Re: Engaging the senses
« Reply #19 on: November 12, 2019, 06:20:43 PM »
Stepping through the portal the first thing to strike Timothy was the quiet. There was nothing but a vast chasm of silence.


Stepping through the portal the first thing to strike Timothy was a buzzing in the air. Loud and furious buzzing as if millions of insects, or worse, swarmed unseen.


Stepping through the portal the first thing to strike Timothy was the tinkling of bells. Delicate chimes bubbling everywhere, ringing in his ears.


It's good to play with words and syntax, context - each matters when trying to paint an image for readers.

The above examples show just one way how sound can be made to some effect (good or bad, is up to the reader which in this case is your good selves) and where the sound creates the momentum for the character to react.

The uses of filters are a construct that can be as subtle as a whisper heard in a summer breeze.



« Last Edit: November 12, 2019, 06:24:48 PM by Laughing Elephant »