Author Topic: Which Way Would You Write This?  (Read 3970 times)

Al Macy (aka TromboneAl)

Which Way Would You Write This?
« on: September 23, 2018, 01:35:32 AM »
Which do you think is correct?

"I’m hoping that you—” he dipped his head toward me “—can offer an approach ..."

or

I’m hoping that you” —he dipped his head toward me— “can offer an approach ..."

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TimothyEllis

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Re: Which Way Would You Write This?
« Reply #1 on: September 23, 2018, 01:38:46 AM »
"I’m hoping that you,” he dipped his head toward me, “can offer an approach ..."
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guest215

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Re: Which Way Would You Write This?
« Reply #2 on: September 23, 2018, 02:06:14 AM »
I know that this is Choice C that you didn't offer, which usually I don't do because when given a choice between this or that, offering an additional option often does not apply to the original question. Since this is writing, though, I think it's kosher to suggest an alternative.

I'd go with:

"I’m hoping,” he dipped his head toward me, “that you can offer an approach ..."
 
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TimothyEllis

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Re: Which Way Would You Write This?
« Reply #3 on: September 23, 2018, 02:11:22 AM »
As I understand it, the - is used a lot in professional documents.

But its not standard in novels. One of my co-authors uses them a lot, and I had to take them all out during editing.
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Max

Re: Which Way Would You Write This?
« Reply #4 on: September 23, 2018, 02:40:51 AM »
I write Option A. My first editor changes it to Option B. I change it back to A. The next editor changes it back to B.

Shrug.
 

VanessaC

Re: Which Way Would You Write This?
« Reply #5 on: September 23, 2018, 03:08:44 AM »
"I’m hoping that you,” he dipped his head toward me, “can offer an approach ..."

This is what I'd do, too.  But then I believe my approach to dialogue punctuation and tags can be a bit, er, creative at times.  grint
     



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dgcasey

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Re: Which Way Would You Write This?
« Reply #6 on: September 23, 2018, 03:13:40 AM »
Which do you think is correct?

"I’m hoping that you—” he dipped his head toward me “—can offer an approach ..."

or

I’m hoping that you” —he dipped his head toward me— “can offer an approach ..."

"I'm hoping you can offer an approach," he said, dipping his head toward me.
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guest390

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Re: Which Way Would You Write This?
« Reply #7 on: September 23, 2018, 06:36:59 AM »
Which do you think is correct?

"I’m hoping that you—” he dipped his head toward me “—can offer an approach ..."

or

I’m hoping that you” —he dipped his head toward me— “can offer an approach ..."
You don't really need to say "toward me". "Dipped" suggests a forward motion. Tilted or leaned would be sideways or back.
Depending on what's leading in, there are several ways to approach it.
He dipped his head. "I'm hoping......
"I'm hoping that you can offer an approach," he said, dipping his head.
There are other variations. But the point is be careful to use the words needed. The reader can easily infer direction in your example.
 

Al Stevens

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Re: Which Way Would You Write This?
« Reply #8 on: September 23, 2018, 08:11:33 AM »
"I'm hoping you can offer an approach," he said, dipping his head toward me.
This way. Anything that makes the reader stop and say Huh? diverts attention from the story.
     
 

HSh

Re: Which Way Would You Write This?
« Reply #9 on: September 23, 2018, 08:43:14 AM »
"I'm hoping that you can offer an approach."  He nodded towards me.

 

EC Sheedy

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Re: Which Way Would You Write This?
« Reply #10 on: September 24, 2018, 05:02:13 AM »
“I’m hoping that you”—he dipped his head toward me—“can offer an approach . . .”

CMoS 6.84

I vote for this one.
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Lex

Re: Which Way Would You Write This?
« Reply #11 on: September 24, 2018, 05:44:18 AM »
I use the comma method, as outlined by Timothy. But I have a co-writer that does it the first way: "I’m hoping that you—” he dipped his head toward me “—can offer an approach ..."
 

Jeff Tanyard

Re: Which Way Would You Write This?
« Reply #12 on: September 24, 2018, 07:03:24 AM »
"I'm hoping you can offer an approach," he said, dipping his head toward me.


Seconded.
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Al Macy (aka TromboneAl)

Re: Which Way Would You Write This?
« Reply #13 on: September 25, 2018, 02:21:48 AM »
"I'm hoping you can offer an approach," he said, dipping his head toward me.

That's nice, but it doesn't convey the interruption of speech that I want to show.

I like

"I’m hoping that you—” he dipped his head toward me “—can offer an approach ..." because it's consistent with:

"I'm hoping that you—"

She slapped me.

My editor doesn't agree.But I use too many emdashes anyway, so I think I'll change it to:"I’m hoping that you,” he dipped his head toward me, “can offer an approach ..."





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Vijaya

Re: Which Way Would You Write This?
« Reply #14 on: September 25, 2018, 02:38:56 AM »
If you have to show the interruption, go with the em dashes or comma, depending on how much you want to emphasize it (the em dash for more emphasis, the comma for less) but if it doesn't matter to the story, why not write it more simply as dgcasey suggested?


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TinkSaid

Re: Which Way Would You Write This?
« Reply #15 on: October 12, 2018, 09:27:28 PM »
Second vote to go with dgcasey's suggestion.

The sentence is uncomplicated, takes a couple of seconds to read, and it's easy to envisage - speech accompanied by a head dip.



"I'm hoping you can offer an approach," he said, dipping his head toward me.

If it's essential to use the head dip as a beat, go with Vijaya.
If you have to show the interruption, go with the em dashes or comma, depending on how much you want to emphasize it (the em dash for more emphasis, the comma for less) but if it doesn't matter to the story, why not write it more simply as dgcasey suggested?