Writer Sanctum
Writer's Haven => Writer's Workshop [Public] => Topic started by: Paranormal Kitty on April 03, 2019, 12:15:40 PM
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<<A ragged bundle of sábila hung by a bent nail on the door of an apartment in one of Houston’s less affluent neighborhoods. >>
I don't really like the phrase "less affluent" here. Is there a better word to describe it? My vocabulary isn't really the greatest. It's the kind of apartment complex where your drunkard old lady neighbor hangs her thong panties out on the balcony in front of your window.
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Maybe "lower class" instead?
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"poorer"?
"iffier"?
"seedier"?
"struggling"?
"marginal"?
I think it sort of depends on what tone you want to take. To me, "less affluent" reads like the narrator is going for ironically polite understatement. Something like I'm talking about where poor folks live, but I don't want to sound rude, so I'm using this fancier, more bureaucratic-sounding phrase instead, but we all know what I really mean, right? is contained in those two words. I think it works pretty well, so long as that's the narratorial tone you're going for.
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grubbier
seedier
sleazier
decaying
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<<A ragged bundle of sábila hung by a bent nail on the door of an apartment in one of Houston’s less affluent neighborhoods. >>
I don't really like the phrase "less affluent" here. Is there a better word to describe it? My vocabulary isn't really the greatest. It's the kind of apartment complex where your drunkard old lady neighbor hangs her thong panties out on the balcony in front of your window.
Love your neighbourhood description - it's got great voice, and paints a fantastic, vivid picture. Can't you just use that?
My brain kept tripping up on "hung by a bent nail" as I kept thinking the bundle was hanging next to the bent nail, not on the bent nail ... My brain is weird.
How about something like: "The apartment door was decorated with a ragged bundle of sabila hanging on a bent nail. It was the kind of apartment complex where your drunkard old lady neighbor hangs her thong panties out on the balcony in front of your window."
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"poorer"?
"iffier"?
"seedier"?
"struggling"?
"marginal"?
I think it sort of depends on what tone you want to take. To me, "less affluent" reads like the narrator is going for ironically polite understatement. Something like I'm talking about where poor folks live, but I don't want to sound rude, so I'm using this fancier, more bureaucratic-sounding phrase instead, but we all know what I really mean, right? is contained in those two words. I think it works pretty well, so long as that's the narratorial tone you're going for.
Less affluent works for me. It sounds like lower middle class sliding into upper lower class but not quite seedy yet.
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one of Houston’s more run-down neighborhoods
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Texas shabby
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"poorer"?
"iffier"?
"seedier"?
"struggling"?
"marginal"?
I think it sort of depends on what tone you want to take. To me, "less affluent" reads like the narrator is going for ironically polite understatement. Something like I'm talking about where poor folks live, but I don't want to sound rude, so I'm using this fancier, more bureaucratic-sounding phrase instead, but we all know what I really mean, right? is contained in those two words. I think it works pretty well, so long as that's the narratorial tone you're going for.
I think I might like it better after reading some of the comments. Kind of felt like I was cheaping out on the word choice, but this is a good point.
Love your neighbourhood description - it's got great voice, and paints a fantastic, vivid picture. Can't you just use that?
My brain kept tripping up on "hung by a bent nail" as I kept thinking the bundle was hanging next to the bent nail, not on the bent nail ... My brain is weird.
How about something like: "The apartment door was decorated with a ragged bundle of sabila hanging on a bent nail. It was the kind of apartment complex where your drunkard old lady neighbor hangs her thong panties out on the balcony in front of your window."
That would be great except I describe the scene a little bit later, so it might come off as redundant. The character gets hit on by the neighbor and then later he sees her panties outside and becomes nauseated.
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Texas shabby
Hey, now, I resemble that remark.
I do like VanessaC's reworking. It shows the idea more than telling it.