Writer Sanctum
Writer's Haven => Writer's Workshop [Public] => Topic started by: JRTomlin on October 11, 2019, 02:15:44 PM
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I've been getting tangled up in pronouns lately. (One of the advantages of 1st as we were discussing in another thread is that it tends to be less of a problem).
So does this sentence make sense or am I totally tangled in my pronouns? I have rewritten it 5 or 6 times. lol
Thomas turned to stare at Alexander and opened his mouth to tell him how wrong he was but the words would not come.
(Do you know which he or him is which?)
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I'd put 2 commas in it.
Thomas turned to stare at Alexander, opening his mouth to tell him how wrong he was, but the words would not come.
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You're right. It needed commas grint
But can you tell which 'he' was wrong? Alexander or Thomas?
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You're right. It needed commas grint
But can you tell which 'he' was wrong? Alexander or Thomas?
In this context, I read it as Alexander. Also, j/k but nobody tells themselves how wrong they are ;-)
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Yes, Alexander is wrong.
Thomas is getting mouth exercise.
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Excellent point about not telling yourself how wrong you are. I think I need a vacation but not getting one until I finish this novel which is hard when I can't figure out the simplest thing. 🙄
One more week and my draft will be done. Then there is editing. *hits self on head with hammer*
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*hits self on head with hammer*
Don't do that.
You might break the hammer.
grint
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Considering that my brain feels like mush these days, I doubt it. :icon_cry:
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Thomas turned to stare at Alexander and opened his mouth to tell him how wrong he was but the words would not come.
We could break it out, because too many subordinate clauses is always a pain to deal with.
Thomas turned to stare at Alexander. He opened his mouth to tell him how wrong he was, but the words would not come.
Still ugly. The problem is pronouns.
We know who he is staring at, right? Let's drop the 'Alexander so we can use him later instead of a pronoun.
Thomas turned to stare, opening his mouth to tell Alexander how wrong he was, but the words would not come.
Here, the target of his action (Alexander) gets double duty. By putting it in the middle, we know who he staring at and we dump two pronouns.
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Scrapper, the problem is that never says who he is staring at. We don't even know that he is staring at a person. It just says that he is staring assumably at someone or something. That he starts to speak to Alexander does not mean that he is staring at him. grint
ETA: I went back to my original two sentences once I decided I was overthinking it.
Thomas turned to stare at Alexander. He opened his mouth to tell him how wrong he was, but the words would not come.
When you have scenes with a lot of men in them (damned wars with only male knights) sometimes pronounces do get to be a headache.
The problem with Llano's version is that it makes turning and opening his mouth simultaneous actions, which isn't quite what I have in mind.
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You're right to change the original sentence, it was confusing and would slow the pace of your novel. I like scrapper's version of this sentence the best, the writing is clear and concise:
Thomas turned to stare, opening his mouth to tell Alexander how wrong he was, but the words would not come.
You don't have to tell the reader who he is staring at, some mystery allows a reader to form a more personalized reading experience.