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Writer's Haven => Writer's Workshop [Public] => Topic started by: Gerri Attrick on December 14, 2020, 03:22:49 AM

Title: Action beats and dialogue
Post by: Gerri Attrick on December 14, 2020, 03:22:49 AM

Is it correct to put someone's action beat inside another character's dialogue?

I have this (we're in Eleanor's POV, the major is speaking):

“And it worked perfectly, milady.” She glanced up sharply, suspecting mockery, but his face was grave. "It was an ideal way to fool them. Even if I'd thought of it, I wouldn't have dared suggest it."

I can't make up my mind whether I should split it out, or not.

Title: Re: Action beats and dialogue
Post by: Lynn on December 14, 2020, 03:44:47 AM

I actually see this a lot in fan fic writing, and I'd say a big fat no.

It throws me off and makes me question myself about who is speaking and who is doing.

It will probably be confusing to at least a few people.

Title: Re: Action beats and dialogue
Post by: idontknowyet on December 14, 2020, 04:53:35 AM

please no!!!
action and speaker together or i am soooooo lost its not funny.

Title: Re: Action beats and dialogue
Post by: elleoco on December 14, 2020, 09:07:03 AM

Split it out, and when he speaks the second time make sure it's clear it's him.

“And it worked perfectly, milady.”

She glanced up sharply, suspecting mockery, but his face was grave.

"It was an ideal way to fool them," he said [or continued would work here]. "Even if I'd thought of it, I wouldn't have dared suggest it."

Title: Re: Action beats and dialogue
Post by: Jeff Tanyard on December 14, 2020, 09:08:22 AM

What everyone else said.

Title: Re: Action beats and dialogue
Post by: Gerri Attrick on December 14, 2020, 07:49:56 PM

Thanks, folks.

I've re-written it, as Elleoco suggested. I like that much better.